I stole that line from Jen! I never thought I'd use it, bit it was the first line that came to mind tonight!
The last couple of days have been okay. Life keeps on ticking by...yes, just like time. And, sometimes, that ticking is in our favor!
Zack got his first progress report - all As and 2 Cs. It just so happens that the Cs are in reading and math - doh! He really is behind. In this case, the Christian school is definitely advanced. Sheesh!
Sophia had an okay day, but had a little defiant moment at school so she had a talking to this evening. I think she'll do great tomorrow. She seemed sad that she had to pull a card at school. The teachers assure me that she is one of the better behaved kids so I won't panic too much!
We had a great evening on Monday night visiting an "old" friend who I met when I was about 13! She has two kids - 2 and 3, but her three year old kept up with Zack with no issues at all! They had a ton of toys and a backyard that is every kid's dream. The kids have been begging to go back there! I keep telling them, "someday," and Zack says, "Oh, good Friday, Saturday and then someday"!!!!
Tonight we saw a friend at the mall, and somehow Zack asked about tornados. As we were explaining to him that we don't worry about those in CA, he asked what a tornado shelter was made of. We told him that they are made of very strong walls. He said, "Oh, like big blocks"? We said, "Exactly." He said, "Yes, I understand." "It is just like the three little pigs"!!!!
Zack LOVES his new teacher, and I am amazed at how much his reading has improved! I am most excited though that his attitude towards school has changed! I don't want him to dread school for his entire life!
I said I wasn't going to give my opinion of the TriVita Vitamins for a while, but after one week of taking them, I am a new person! I feel more energetic and alive. I can manage my pain better. I still feel the pain and sadness, but it does not envelope me like it had been doing. So, I LOVE the sublingual vitamims!!!!!
Pardon any typos. I am nearly sleeping!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Let Your Hair Down
So yesterday I went to church and heard an awesome sermon that seemed to be just what God wanted me to hear. It was a familiar story, but one I hadn't taken the time to fully understand. Luke 7:36-50 recounts the woman who came to visit Jesus when he was with Simon the pharisee. You remember the woman who brought an expensive bottle of perfume, poured it on Jesus feet, and dried His feet with her hair.
First off, a pharisee was defined by the pastor as a "separatist". Someone who feels they are better than others because they sin less. Someone who feels it is their job to identify others by their sins. In the verses noted above, Simon very clearly lets Jesus know the woman is a "sinner". Her only identity to the pharisee was that of her sin. No part of her had any value because to him, her entire identity was found in one word, "sinner".
To the pharisee, she was not worthy of time with Jesus because she was not holy. Jesus was quick to tell Simon to look at her - she had brought a sacrificial gift to him; she had washed his feet; she had let down her hair... I never thought of the connotation of her "letting down her hair". Middle Eastern women did NOT let down their hair, but because this woman had already lost her reputation and was known only as "sinner," she had nothing to lose or hide. She let down her hair and dried Jesus feet. There were no pretenses!
Jesus then told Simon and those around the parable of the two debtors. One owed much and one owed a little but neither could pay so the master forgave them both the debt. Jesus asked Simon, which one was more thankful, and he said the one who had been forgiven more debt. Truth is though that both were in the same boat regardless of the size of their debt because neither could pay.
There are many times in life that we put ourselves on different levels than other people because we feel we are better; we are full of integrity and honor. The truth is that NONE of us wants everyone to find out who we "really are" down deep. Our reputations would be shot if we were completely transparent. Simon had so much sin in his life in the area of pride that he was allowing himself to sacrifice a true relationship with Jesus because of his pretenses!
Jesus showed Simon his failings - he didn't kiss Jesus when he arrived. He didn't wash his feet. He didn't give Jesus His rightful place. The one Simon called "sinner" had done these things readily upon arrival. She knew her need. She knew Jesus' ability to fill that need with his all encompassing love. When we don't see our own need for Christ, it is all too easy to throw stones and to become a pharasaical stumbling block to those seeking Christ. Casting judgement, comdemning, and identifying someone by a sin is NOT biblical nor will it further the kingdom.
Jesus came to save sinners not to walk along side the whole. He did not push the woman at the well to tears before offering forgiveness. He did not hold her hand and control her healing process. He simply said, "Go and sin no more." There wasn't even the HS power back then, and now even though the HS is in us, some of us like to play Jesus and "force" people to heal in our timing and in our ways. We limit God because we do not trust Him.
I wonder why some Christians see it as their job to define people by their sins and then force to them to either "heal" on command OR get out of the fold? Known sinners are not wanted amongst the "holy". Only those who hide their sins are welcomed because after all prentenses get us places with God - note sarcasm.
Not sure, but I do know that this little sinner has found great freedom in "letting my hair down" before God, and in many ways by giving up my "right" to my "good" reputation, I have found great freedom.
I pray I can pass on to my kids a complete understanding of God's grace and enable them to identify people as "beloved by God" no matter what they look like or how they act. We all owe a debt we cannot pay.
Today I pray to God as one confused by those who seek to cause further harm in an already sad situation. If someone seeks to "let down his/her hair" before God, who are you to tell them to pin it back up?
First off, a pharisee was defined by the pastor as a "separatist". Someone who feels they are better than others because they sin less. Someone who feels it is their job to identify others by their sins. In the verses noted above, Simon very clearly lets Jesus know the woman is a "sinner". Her only identity to the pharisee was that of her sin. No part of her had any value because to him, her entire identity was found in one word, "sinner".
To the pharisee, she was not worthy of time with Jesus because she was not holy. Jesus was quick to tell Simon to look at her - she had brought a sacrificial gift to him; she had washed his feet; she had let down her hair... I never thought of the connotation of her "letting down her hair". Middle Eastern women did NOT let down their hair, but because this woman had already lost her reputation and was known only as "sinner," she had nothing to lose or hide. She let down her hair and dried Jesus feet. There were no pretenses!
Jesus then told Simon and those around the parable of the two debtors. One owed much and one owed a little but neither could pay so the master forgave them both the debt. Jesus asked Simon, which one was more thankful, and he said the one who had been forgiven more debt. Truth is though that both were in the same boat regardless of the size of their debt because neither could pay.
There are many times in life that we put ourselves on different levels than other people because we feel we are better; we are full of integrity and honor. The truth is that NONE of us wants everyone to find out who we "really are" down deep. Our reputations would be shot if we were completely transparent. Simon had so much sin in his life in the area of pride that he was allowing himself to sacrifice a true relationship with Jesus because of his pretenses!
Jesus showed Simon his failings - he didn't kiss Jesus when he arrived. He didn't wash his feet. He didn't give Jesus His rightful place. The one Simon called "sinner" had done these things readily upon arrival. She knew her need. She knew Jesus' ability to fill that need with his all encompassing love. When we don't see our own need for Christ, it is all too easy to throw stones and to become a pharasaical stumbling block to those seeking Christ. Casting judgement, comdemning, and identifying someone by a sin is NOT biblical nor will it further the kingdom.
Jesus came to save sinners not to walk along side the whole. He did not push the woman at the well to tears before offering forgiveness. He did not hold her hand and control her healing process. He simply said, "Go and sin no more." There wasn't even the HS power back then, and now even though the HS is in us, some of us like to play Jesus and "force" people to heal in our timing and in our ways. We limit God because we do not trust Him.
I wonder why some Christians see it as their job to define people by their sins and then force to them to either "heal" on command OR get out of the fold? Known sinners are not wanted amongst the "holy". Only those who hide their sins are welcomed because after all prentenses get us places with God - note sarcasm.
Not sure, but I do know that this little sinner has found great freedom in "letting my hair down" before God, and in many ways by giving up my "right" to my "good" reputation, I have found great freedom.
I pray I can pass on to my kids a complete understanding of God's grace and enable them to identify people as "beloved by God" no matter what they look like or how they act. We all owe a debt we cannot pay.
Today I pray to God as one confused by those who seek to cause further harm in an already sad situation. If someone seeks to "let down his/her hair" before God, who are you to tell them to pin it back up?
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Pics for those Asking Zack (6) Sophia (4)
Since Zack has been home, Sophia has been 100% easier to manage!!! She missed her brother!
Funny, kind, compassionate, loving, athletic, flexible, driven...
Crazy, energetic, bossy, driven, clean, helpful, protective, loving...
That's the kids in real time - 5 minutes ago!
Crazy, energetic, bossy, driven, clean, helpful, protective, loving...
That's the kids in real time - 5 minutes ago!
This after watching Hannah Montana and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Both are pretty harmless shows. Sophia prefers Power Rangers and Zack, of course, prefers Spiderman, but they really got into the Disney Channel today.
Now they're off playing video games for an hour or so. I'm not so good with the alone time, but I'm getting better at it. Some love to be alone, but I am not one of them! I know, however, that learning to be alone is a key process to healthy living. Truly alone... ick!
Pics of the Kidlets
Some parents love uniforms, but not this mom. I guess for some kids, they are a blessing because kids can be pretty mean about what other kids wear or don't wear. This from a teacher who sees how mean kids can be. And, we only have one "free dress" day a week. For this mom, I guess I can deal with it. At least Sophia doesn't have uniforms yet!
Here are the kidlets after a long day of school. Zack's hair is growing out little by little. I'm thinking about letting it grow long, but only if I get it "shaped" so it doesn't look messy. We shall see.
And, here they are after 2 hours at the park! This mom is becoming one with playing hard with the kiddos and letting them get as messy as they wish! Surprisingly, Sophia is cool with a face covered with Gatorade, Hot Cheetos, and dirt as long as she doesn't look in the mirror!
Which brings us to this morning! Here is the crazy haired girl eating her eggs, bacon, toast, and lemonade!
And, crazy Zack who has an awesome sense of humor! He has one liners that are timed just right. His laugh is contagious.
Here are the kidlets after a long day of school. Zack's hair is growing out little by little. I'm thinking about letting it grow long, but only if I get it "shaped" so it doesn't look messy. We shall see.
And, here they are after 2 hours at the park! This mom is becoming one with playing hard with the kiddos and letting them get as messy as they wish! Surprisingly, Sophia is cool with a face covered with Gatorade, Hot Cheetos, and dirt as long as she doesn't look in the mirror!
Which brings us to this morning! Here is the crazy haired girl eating her eggs, bacon, toast, and lemonade!
And, crazy Zack who has an awesome sense of humor! He has one liners that are timed just right. His laugh is contagious.
The sun is shining brightly. The kids are eating eggs, bacon, and toast after which they want to do their puzzles. I have already taken my first dose of B12 and HCY Guard. Things seem to be going okay today.
I had a good day yesterday including a 2 hour lunch meeting at which I was actually able to enjoy a meal. I credit that to the vitamins as well!
In a couple of hours, friends will be here to visit, and we'll likely end up at a Bible study of sorts this evening. Although, I have to admit, I'm not much into the Bible study thing. However, I'm hoping my friend will cook as he's so good at it! I love trying his new creations.
Anyhow, I'm continuing in Abba's Child but have also begun to read Max Lucado's Facing your Giants. The goal is to learn as much as possible about who God is and how He works. I have become so jaded in regards to God throughout my life that I just want to figure out what He is all about which to me is step one to figuring out what I am all about.
Anyhow, interestingly enough, Max Lucado points out something I knew about David, but never really thought that much about until now:
One might read David's story and wonder what God saw in him. The fellow fell as often as he stood, stumbled as often as he conquered. He stared down Goliath, yet ogled at Bathsheba; defied God-mockers in the valley, yet joined them in the wilderness. An Eagle Scout one day. Chumming with the Mafia the next. He could lead armies but couldn't manage a family. Raging David. Weeping David. Bloodthirsty. God-hungry. Eight wives. One God.
A man after God's own heart? That God saw him as such gives hope to us ALL. David's life has little to offer the unstained saint. Straight-A souls find David's story disappointing. The rest of us find it reassuring. We ride the same roller coaster. We alternate between swan dives and belly flops, souffles and burnt toast.
We need David's story. Giants lurk in our neighborhoods. Rejection. Failure. Revenge. Remorse. Our struggles read like a prize fighters itinerary.
This incapsulates so well who I feel like I am. And, as pious as it may sound, somehow knowing God loves and uses the broken just as much as he loves those who appear to have it all together, is amazing to me. I still cannot fathom a love such as that. Even when I cannot love myself, He loves me deeply not inspite of who I am or what I have done, but He loves me just as I am belly flops and all.
There are lots of Davids in this world. Full of ups and downs; good and bad; wonderful traits and huge flaws; kind actions and grievous ones. Them there are the people God loves and seeks to use. Doesn't make sense, but it is what it is, and I thank God for that.
I had a good day yesterday including a 2 hour lunch meeting at which I was actually able to enjoy a meal. I credit that to the vitamins as well!
In a couple of hours, friends will be here to visit, and we'll likely end up at a Bible study of sorts this evening. Although, I have to admit, I'm not much into the Bible study thing. However, I'm hoping my friend will cook as he's so good at it! I love trying his new creations.
Anyhow, I'm continuing in Abba's Child but have also begun to read Max Lucado's Facing your Giants. The goal is to learn as much as possible about who God is and how He works. I have become so jaded in regards to God throughout my life that I just want to figure out what He is all about which to me is step one to figuring out what I am all about.
Anyhow, interestingly enough, Max Lucado points out something I knew about David, but never really thought that much about until now:
One might read David's story and wonder what God saw in him. The fellow fell as often as he stood, stumbled as often as he conquered. He stared down Goliath, yet ogled at Bathsheba; defied God-mockers in the valley, yet joined them in the wilderness. An Eagle Scout one day. Chumming with the Mafia the next. He could lead armies but couldn't manage a family. Raging David. Weeping David. Bloodthirsty. God-hungry. Eight wives. One God.
A man after God's own heart? That God saw him as such gives hope to us ALL. David's life has little to offer the unstained saint. Straight-A souls find David's story disappointing. The rest of us find it reassuring. We ride the same roller coaster. We alternate between swan dives and belly flops, souffles and burnt toast.
We need David's story. Giants lurk in our neighborhoods. Rejection. Failure. Revenge. Remorse. Our struggles read like a prize fighters itinerary.
This incapsulates so well who I feel like I am. And, as pious as it may sound, somehow knowing God loves and uses the broken just as much as he loves those who appear to have it all together, is amazing to me. I still cannot fathom a love such as that. Even when I cannot love myself, He loves me deeply not inspite of who I am or what I have done, but He loves me just as I am belly flops and all.
There are lots of Davids in this world. Full of ups and downs; good and bad; wonderful traits and huge flaws; kind actions and grievous ones. Them there are the people God loves and seeks to use. Doesn't make sense, but it is what it is, and I thank God for that.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Another Day
A new concept:
Interestingly enough, Abba's Child has been somewhat of a tough read for me. It can be tough with an onslaught of accusations coming my way to really focus on God's love and acceptance, but perhaps this is how Joseph felt when thrown in the pit by his brothers who were so angry at his pious ways. Not sure?
Anyhow, somehow Joseph, flawed as he was, pulled himself up by his bootstraps and did what was right. And, ended up loving the ones who hurt him deeply unfolding years of pain in his life. And, as Beth Moore points out so well, Joseph was not perfect - he was perfectly annoying prancing around in his colorful coat acting as though he was the "little prince". He wasn't completely innocent, and perhaps being thrown into the pit helped him grow out of that snotty brat into a God loving person who could show grace upon his "enemies". Not sure. All I know is the Bible says, "love your enemies and do good to those that hurt you".
Well, while it would be easy to focus on the accusations, I just can't. It isn't a healthy route. My life belongs to God, and I must choose hour by hour to focus on His truth. As long as I am not harboring any lies, I can walk forward with confidence. Not free of pain or guilt or struggles, but confidence knowing that the hammer is not about to fall. Without fear that I am about to be found out.
Better to fall before God as rotten as I am and accept who I am in Him. Better to be authentic even if it means exposing that I am not perfect and without blame for any drama that has befallen me.
An excerpt from Abba's Child by Brennan Manning:
Then he states something that I will ponder for years; he says it very deliberately. I ask him to repeat it so that I can write it down. "John, the heart of it is this: to make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life."
We discuss it. The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation...not kudos of appreciation from parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to the place...I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me "You are my son, my beloved one."
You, just as is every other believer, are my FAVORITE child. Ponder that.
I am not by any means in this place yet, but oh how wonderful it will be when I can get past my pride and grab on to God's love.
Interestingly enough, Abba's Child has been somewhat of a tough read for me. It can be tough with an onslaught of accusations coming my way to really focus on God's love and acceptance, but perhaps this is how Joseph felt when thrown in the pit by his brothers who were so angry at his pious ways. Not sure?
Anyhow, somehow Joseph, flawed as he was, pulled himself up by his bootstraps and did what was right. And, ended up loving the ones who hurt him deeply unfolding years of pain in his life. And, as Beth Moore points out so well, Joseph was not perfect - he was perfectly annoying prancing around in his colorful coat acting as though he was the "little prince". He wasn't completely innocent, and perhaps being thrown into the pit helped him grow out of that snotty brat into a God loving person who could show grace upon his "enemies". Not sure. All I know is the Bible says, "love your enemies and do good to those that hurt you".
Well, while it would be easy to focus on the accusations, I just can't. It isn't a healthy route. My life belongs to God, and I must choose hour by hour to focus on His truth. As long as I am not harboring any lies, I can walk forward with confidence. Not free of pain or guilt or struggles, but confidence knowing that the hammer is not about to fall. Without fear that I am about to be found out.
Better to fall before God as rotten as I am and accept who I am in Him. Better to be authentic even if it means exposing that I am not perfect and without blame for any drama that has befallen me.
An excerpt from Abba's Child by Brennan Manning:
Then he states something that I will ponder for years; he says it very deliberately. I ask him to repeat it so that I can write it down. "John, the heart of it is this: to make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life."
We discuss it. The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation...not kudos of appreciation from parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to the place...I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me "You are my son, my beloved one."
You, just as is every other believer, are my FAVORITE child. Ponder that.
I am not by any means in this place yet, but oh how wonderful it will be when I can get past my pride and grab on to God's love.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Prayer
It's not about a list of what you want or need, but about bearing your soul to Him...not being afraid to come before him all confused and brawl beaten. It is about you just being YOU and Him loving you no matter what.
I relate it to my kids. I wouldn't want them relating to me with a false self. Behaving, smiling, laughing, being polite... only when they talk to me. I want them to be able to say, "I hate school," "I feel sad, weak, or confused," and/or, "I screwed up big time, mom". I want them to be real with me all the way to their human little cores.
I think God wants the same from us. If I have a day where life sucks, I should come to God with my truth. Typically, He'll transform my mind, and other times, He'll say, "I know, my child." "I know." This is a relationship I have never understood.
It is not that I didn't pray. I did, but always for others because I felt so unworthy. Strangely enough, as hard as it is for me to fathom, God wants to relate to the real me. The me who is incredibly flawed. The me who makes mistakes. The me who some people don't like. The me who is really me.
It's sinking in slowly. Now, I pray to Him as a human hiding nothing - completely vulnerable. Asking that He right some wrongs...upturn some dominos over which I have no control.
Kids are doing well. Zack is line leader this week and loving it. Today I am the one who got into trouble for forgetting there's no school tomorrow so his homework had to be done today! DUH!
Sophia, with her little bossy ways, has been having a great week, and shhhh don't tell Zack, SHE IS TALLER THAN HE IS NOW!!!! I just noticed it yesterday! No wonder she's been eating so much!!!
And, some have asked about the vitamins I am starting. TriVita (only online) They have sublingual vitamins which means they are strips that disolve under the tongue and go right into the system. It has been suggested I take B12, Cal Mag D, and HCY Guard. I have a couple of friends who have suffered with depression/anxiety, and these have helped in place of perscription meds. I am not giving my feedback until I've taken them for a couple of weeks.
I relate it to my kids. I wouldn't want them relating to me with a false self. Behaving, smiling, laughing, being polite... only when they talk to me. I want them to be able to say, "I hate school," "I feel sad, weak, or confused," and/or, "I screwed up big time, mom". I want them to be real with me all the way to their human little cores.
I think God wants the same from us. If I have a day where life sucks, I should come to God with my truth. Typically, He'll transform my mind, and other times, He'll say, "I know, my child." "I know." This is a relationship I have never understood.
It is not that I didn't pray. I did, but always for others because I felt so unworthy. Strangely enough, as hard as it is for me to fathom, God wants to relate to the real me. The me who is incredibly flawed. The me who makes mistakes. The me who some people don't like. The me who is really me.
It's sinking in slowly. Now, I pray to Him as a human hiding nothing - completely vulnerable. Asking that He right some wrongs...upturn some dominos over which I have no control.
Kids are doing well. Zack is line leader this week and loving it. Today I am the one who got into trouble for forgetting there's no school tomorrow so his homework had to be done today! DUH!
Sophia, with her little bossy ways, has been having a great week, and shhhh don't tell Zack, SHE IS TALLER THAN HE IS NOW!!!! I just noticed it yesterday! No wonder she's been eating so much!!!
And, some have asked about the vitamins I am starting. TriVita (only online) They have sublingual vitamins which means they are strips that disolve under the tongue and go right into the system. It has been suggested I take B12, Cal Mag D, and HCY Guard. I have a couple of friends who have suffered with depression/anxiety, and these have helped in place of perscription meds. I am not giving my feedback until I've taken them for a couple of weeks.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
A New Day
Just finished reading Healing Stones. Other than the all too tightly tied up ending, the book was very helpful. I guess I should have expected it to be tied up with a nice bow since it is a Christian novel, you know? I guess I'm stereotyping, but for this book, it's true.
I would recommend the book for any Christian person blaming him/herself for making a mistake and not being able to readily forgive him/herself. Or, for a person, who is seeking to help someone else to recognize their worth in Christ and to know that humans cannot be defined by a mistake. It also shows the harm caused by overly conservative legalists who allow for "no flaws" in fellow Christians. If I were to tell you about the stones, I'd give the plot away so I won't!
Zack actually is liking school now and asking tons of questions about God which is cool. He is also reading much better with the help of his teacher of some friends assisting me in tutoring him after school. He did decide today, however, that instead of tagging people he could spit on them so they'd be "out". I have no idea where this kid gets this stuff... Well, maybe it was the Pelican where he spent a few years learning from teenagers.
Sophia was hungry yesterday. For dinner she ate six pepperoni, a hot dog with the bun, chips, carrots, broccoli, a huge bran muffin, and she was still asking for more! I wonder where it all goes! And, I am jealous of her metabolism!
Last evening I was finally able to meet with a therapist... Oh my, should I expose that? Well, yes, because it will be another step in the right direction. It was a surface level meeting really as all first sessions go. I did notice that she graduated from Biola and from Rosemead (Biola's School of Psychology). So, we had a little something in common. I wasn't sure if that made me more or less comfortable. By the end of the session, however, I had figured out that she was not a typical conservatively trained therapist. She seems to be a lot more open minded and even complimented an action not taken by a certain entity - not me. I was pleasantly surprised.
So today's a new day. One I can take by the horns and make work for me! I have some homework to do which feels very very manageable!
And, now the prayers have changed from the discontented child to the child who asks to be held in her Father's arms as He rocks her to sleep each night reminding her that everything is going to "work out for the good". Sounds strange, but it is where I am! And, this doesn't mean that the sadness is gone. It just means it is being managed differently.
Again, surface level, but may be helpful to some.
Archuletta was good last night. His song was sung beautifully. Not quite as nice hearing it from him as those in the past, however.
I would recommend the book for any Christian person blaming him/herself for making a mistake and not being able to readily forgive him/herself. Or, for a person, who is seeking to help someone else to recognize their worth in Christ and to know that humans cannot be defined by a mistake. It also shows the harm caused by overly conservative legalists who allow for "no flaws" in fellow Christians. If I were to tell you about the stones, I'd give the plot away so I won't!
Zack actually is liking school now and asking tons of questions about God which is cool. He is also reading much better with the help of his teacher of some friends assisting me in tutoring him after school. He did decide today, however, that instead of tagging people he could spit on them so they'd be "out". I have no idea where this kid gets this stuff... Well, maybe it was the Pelican where he spent a few years learning from teenagers.
Sophia was hungry yesterday. For dinner she ate six pepperoni, a hot dog with the bun, chips, carrots, broccoli, a huge bran muffin, and she was still asking for more! I wonder where it all goes! And, I am jealous of her metabolism!
Last evening I was finally able to meet with a therapist... Oh my, should I expose that? Well, yes, because it will be another step in the right direction. It was a surface level meeting really as all first sessions go. I did notice that she graduated from Biola and from Rosemead (Biola's School of Psychology). So, we had a little something in common. I wasn't sure if that made me more or less comfortable. By the end of the session, however, I had figured out that she was not a typical conservatively trained therapist. She seems to be a lot more open minded and even complimented an action not taken by a certain entity - not me. I was pleasantly surprised.
So today's a new day. One I can take by the horns and make work for me! I have some homework to do which feels very very manageable!
And, now the prayers have changed from the discontented child to the child who asks to be held in her Father's arms as He rocks her to sleep each night reminding her that everything is going to "work out for the good". Sounds strange, but it is where I am! And, this doesn't mean that the sadness is gone. It just means it is being managed differently.
Again, surface level, but may be helpful to some.
Archuletta was good last night. His song was sung beautifully. Not quite as nice hearing it from him as those in the past, however.
Monday, April 21, 2008
So far, so good...
Zack has not flipped anyone off today! He worked long and hard last night on reading his sight words and practiced writing his numbers the right way. He has a calendar for behavior and also for his school work. He earns a sticker each day and gets a reward at the end of the week if he gets a sticker each day. He also is picking up on his chores where he left off. He wasn't so thrilled about this, but I think chores are good for a kid as long as they're limited to 20 minutes or so worth of work.
Sophia continues to love school. She jumps out of bed in the morning in anticipation of going. She's always disappointed when it is Saturday!
Yesterday at the park, the kids had a blast riding their bikes around and around and around. They never get enough of bike riding for some reason. I couldn't even get them to play soccer with me so I got some reading in while watching them go round and round. It was a pretty day out, and hearing the birds chirp was good for my soul.
Yesterday was also an entire day with no video games which was not too bad. Zack did beg his friend to play so he could watch him! He said, "I like to watch you get to a new level". I'm told I need to buy him a memory card so I must make a trip to Best Buy tonight for that and a hard drive on which I will store mostly pictures.
Both kids are doing well. They get plenty of good eating and love eating vegetables and fruit. The other night they each ate about 12 baby carrots, 8 pieces of broccoli, and 10 cherry tomatoes. I honestly do not know where they put it, but I'm glad they eat better than I ever have! Hopefully they won't have to deal with high cholesterol like another skinny girl I know!
Anyhow, hope all is going well out there for any readers that pass this way. Last night, I finally gave The Great Sadness to God. I think He can carry it much better than I. And, each time I take it back, I'll have to throw it back his way. Trusting God is tough, but who better to trust than the One who never fails us.
And an enlightening shortened list:
CHECKLIST FOR HIDDEN ANGER
Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks
Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation
Over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "grin and bear it"
Frequent sighing
Smiling while hurting
Waking up tired
Chronically stiff or sore neck
Excessive irritability over trifles
Difficulty sleeping through the night
This list surprised me. Why? Because I thought my anger had only come forth recently, but reading this list made me realize, I've had hidden anger for quite some time. Now, the next step is to discover why.
For those who wonder, this is not my journal. It's just a surface level blog. In the past, I've gone a little too deep here, that is not gonna be anymore. I will just share some of my learning only because there may be some out there who read that may struggle with the same stuff I'm working through.
Zack has not flipped anyone off today! He worked long and hard last night on reading his sight words and practiced writing his numbers the right way. He has a calendar for behavior and also for his school work. He earns a sticker each day and gets a reward at the end of the week if he gets a sticker each day. He also is picking up on his chores where he left off. He wasn't so thrilled about this, but I think chores are good for a kid as long as they're limited to 20 minutes or so worth of work.
Sophia continues to love school. She jumps out of bed in the morning in anticipation of going. She's always disappointed when it is Saturday!
Yesterday at the park, the kids had a blast riding their bikes around and around and around. They never get enough of bike riding for some reason. I couldn't even get them to play soccer with me so I got some reading in while watching them go round and round. It was a pretty day out, and hearing the birds chirp was good for my soul.
Yesterday was also an entire day with no video games which was not too bad. Zack did beg his friend to play so he could watch him! He said, "I like to watch you get to a new level". I'm told I need to buy him a memory card so I must make a trip to Best Buy tonight for that and a hard drive on which I will store mostly pictures.
Both kids are doing well. They get plenty of good eating and love eating vegetables and fruit. The other night they each ate about 12 baby carrots, 8 pieces of broccoli, and 10 cherry tomatoes. I honestly do not know where they put it, but I'm glad they eat better than I ever have! Hopefully they won't have to deal with high cholesterol like another skinny girl I know!
Anyhow, hope all is going well out there for any readers that pass this way. Last night, I finally gave The Great Sadness to God. I think He can carry it much better than I. And, each time I take it back, I'll have to throw it back his way. Trusting God is tough, but who better to trust than the One who never fails us.
And an enlightening shortened list:
CHECKLIST FOR HIDDEN ANGER
Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks
Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation
Over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "grin and bear it"
Frequent sighing
Smiling while hurting
Waking up tired
Chronically stiff or sore neck
Excessive irritability over trifles
Difficulty sleeping through the night
This list surprised me. Why? Because I thought my anger had only come forth recently, but reading this list made me realize, I've had hidden anger for quite some time. Now, the next step is to discover why.
For those who wonder, this is not my journal. It's just a surface level blog. In the past, I've gone a little too deep here, that is not gonna be anymore. I will just share some of my learning only because there may be some out there who read that may struggle with the same stuff I'm working through.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Today
It has been a good day overall mixed with some sadness. Overall though, I am blessed.
We went to brunch and the kids ate enough for an army!!!!
Mom flew off to Texas today! Boo Hoo, but she'll be back for the summer months.
Victoria and Anthony drove off for Texas today likely never to return to CA. I hope they love it there!
Off to the park with the kiddos for some quality time and some kick bum fun! Sad will have to be contained for a time under the layers!
Although, i have been known to love onions. You know they leave an aroma behind, don't they? I can't complain.
No premise of love - just love. No control - just freedom. I just can't compartmentalize. Blessings are what they are, but they don't diminish what I feel.
We went to brunch and the kids ate enough for an army!!!!
Mom flew off to Texas today! Boo Hoo, but she'll be back for the summer months.
Victoria and Anthony drove off for Texas today likely never to return to CA. I hope they love it there!
Off to the park with the kiddos for some quality time and some kick bum fun! Sad will have to be contained for a time under the layers!
Although, i have been known to love onions. You know they leave an aroma behind, don't they? I can't complain.
No premise of love - just love. No control - just freedom. I just can't compartmentalize. Blessings are what they are, but they don't diminish what I feel.
Kids
They're doing well considering all of the changes lately. Last night over dinner with some friends they were recounting our time in Russia remembering Gina bopping the balloons and playing swords with Zack. They remembered going to McDonalds and hating the food. They also recalled being very shy and even hiding when they knew we were coming to visit.
This morning they woke up and asked me to sing the morning song, "Get out of bed you sleepy head and say good morning to the world." Tough request, but I managed to get it out for them.
It is like every fiber of life still has the "past" in it, and I'm not sure how to shelve how I feel even though I was hurt deeply. I am still not able to flip a proverbial switch no matter how angry I become. Even making a list of all the "wrongs" or "offenses" does no good because I still make excuses and give the benefit of the doubt.
As time passes, I hope things can soften a bit. For now, I read, love on the kiddos, and try to surround myself with people who speak the truth even when it is hard to hear.
This morning they woke up and asked me to sing the morning song, "Get out of bed you sleepy head and say good morning to the world." Tough request, but I managed to get it out for them.
It is like every fiber of life still has the "past" in it, and I'm not sure how to shelve how I feel even though I was hurt deeply. I am still not able to flip a proverbial switch no matter how angry I become. Even making a list of all the "wrongs" or "offenses" does no good because I still make excuses and give the benefit of the doubt.
As time passes, I hope things can soften a bit. For now, I read, love on the kiddos, and try to surround myself with people who speak the truth even when it is hard to hear.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Short Post
Yesterday, my son flipped off a bunch of second graders at school!!!! He said they were trying to beat him up!
OMW - I am a teacher, dude! Anyhow, his first flipping off was to Auntie Gina and hopefully this was his last! His teacher said she didn't think he did it because she didn't see it. I stood there thinking, "Oh, yes, he did it." This kid of mine... I have to be honest, I was very upset that he used his "bad finger" again, but I did have a tinge of happiness that he is not a victim. I want him to grow up to be a godly guy so using the bad finger is not a good way to protect yourself!!!!
Anyhow, things are going okay. I still carry "The Great Sadness" around with me, but I am doing my best to completely hide it from the kids. I don't want them to carry the burden of feeling like they have to take care of me. After all, that's how I got to be who I am by taking care of my parents. Sophia had started saying things like, "It's okay mom, you have me," and Zack was asking why I was so sad. At first, I had a tough time hiding my sadness and regret, but I'm getting stronger and stronger. Since I am a mom, I am trying to be more outward forcused, but it's a big job.
Abba's Child is an awesome book as is another I'm reading called Healing Stones. I am finding that God loves me a lot more than I thought he did. And, I'm starting to feel less and less guilt for taking one action that caused pain to another. I make no excuses for it, but it was done in extreme pain so defining myself by it would be wrong. Forgiveness may be out of reach from another, but I can bestow it upon myself as God asks me to do. And, I can pray that the pain subside for the other as quickly as humanly possible.
With that, I'm off to a friend's house to relax and "fellowship". Life is definitely different now. If I had it my way, I'd turn back the hands of time and create another ending, but I fear this is the ending God had in mind. So, I keep praying as the discontented child wondering how something that seemed so right could go so horribly wrong. And, I'm seeking to grow from the experience which is an uphill battle.
Pics soon. Camera not readily available.
OMW - I am a teacher, dude! Anyhow, his first flipping off was to Auntie Gina and hopefully this was his last! His teacher said she didn't think he did it because she didn't see it. I stood there thinking, "Oh, yes, he did it." This kid of mine... I have to be honest, I was very upset that he used his "bad finger" again, but I did have a tinge of happiness that he is not a victim. I want him to grow up to be a godly guy so using the bad finger is not a good way to protect yourself!!!!
Anyhow, things are going okay. I still carry "The Great Sadness" around with me, but I am doing my best to completely hide it from the kids. I don't want them to carry the burden of feeling like they have to take care of me. After all, that's how I got to be who I am by taking care of my parents. Sophia had started saying things like, "It's okay mom, you have me," and Zack was asking why I was so sad. At first, I had a tough time hiding my sadness and regret, but I'm getting stronger and stronger. Since I am a mom, I am trying to be more outward forcused, but it's a big job.
Abba's Child is an awesome book as is another I'm reading called Healing Stones. I am finding that God loves me a lot more than I thought he did. And, I'm starting to feel less and less guilt for taking one action that caused pain to another. I make no excuses for it, but it was done in extreme pain so defining myself by it would be wrong. Forgiveness may be out of reach from another, but I can bestow it upon myself as God asks me to do. And, I can pray that the pain subside for the other as quickly as humanly possible.
With that, I'm off to a friend's house to relax and "fellowship". Life is definitely different now. If I had it my way, I'd turn back the hands of time and create another ending, but I fear this is the ending God had in mind. So, I keep praying as the discontented child wondering how something that seemed so right could go so horribly wrong. And, I'm seeking to grow from the experience which is an uphill battle.
Pics soon. Camera not readily available.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Surprised by...a tiny bit of JOY
Well, I can't say I've totally bounced back from the the run of emotions of the last month, but I am on the mend for sure. Yesterday, I was surprised by some joy in my life. I took the day off to spend with the kids and to go on an interview which went tremendously well! It took all of 18 minutes to figure out that I was a fit and could do the job with no problem. I am not sure I'll be taking the job, however, as I am really seeking God's guidance, and I'm not sure all of the pieces will fall together as He would like them to. My priorities have to be a little different than they were before:
I need to enjoy the work.
My kids need to have as much of my time as possible.
A desireable school district needs to be close to my job to allow for as little daycare as possible.
Hours need to allow me to have my kids in sports and lessons of some sort to enrich their lives.
And, lastly the pay needs to be right.
This job met 2 of the criteria. I am still praying about it though. I am told that I should feel God loving on me when something right comes my way. I think I'll understand where He leads. I've gone so long making my choices independent of Him, that it's weird to actually stop and think.
Please excuse the nature of this comment, but Zack is the "big" man on campus partially because he is new and partially because he dresses cool (an addiction), but mostly because he can do things physically that kids much bigger than he is cannot do. Even with his height, he has beat some third graders at tether ball. He's feeling good about himself which is nice. However, he is struggling in school. He writes his numbers backwards. He uses all capitals. He cannot read the little books they send home well. But, he can read one syllable words. It will prove to be a long summer of tutoring to get him ready for first grade! His teacher did, however, say he is bright and catches on quickly.
Sophia had her Clancy testing today. For $45.00, they tested her in various areas after which they will provide me with a report and activities to do with her to improve on any weak areas. I checked with her teacher this morning to see if she is having any behavior trouble in class, and she said, "not at all". The teacher (who has taught preschool for about 15 years) said the tantrums I have seen at home are common with a huge change in life such as going from being with me all day to school and then on some nights a sitter. So, I'm told she needs more of me. OMW - How much more can she get? :) Anyhow, some cuddling and holding are in store. We'll see how much more cuddling it will take! I think she'd rather play soccer at the park or ride her scooter so we'll start there! This in addition to her new sticker chart should do the trick.
Some of you know that Sophia was getting a little bit of a lazy eye. Surprisingly, playing the Gameboy has helped as she uses more rapid eye movement. She and Zack play the DS's for about 30 minutes a day and then Zack gets bit of time on his XBox 360 after his responsibilities are handled. Seems like I have two video game junkies! I'll have to help them to learn to prioritize just to ensure that they keep games in their rightful place. I think Zack's wife might be thankful for that. Everything in moderation is key, and I'm working on giving them more decisions day by day. This is something that I need to do better. I tend , to go overboard wanting the kidlets to have the most functional childhood possible, but I'm realizing that functional should include them doing a lot of choosing. So, I asked Zack, "How do you want your hair"? He responds very quickly, "I want a mohawk, and a motorcycle, and a tattoo"!!! YIKES! The old me cringes. The new me thinks there could be worse things to have to worry about than my son becoming a tough biker dude with a mohawk and a tatt that might say, "Mom". As long as the kidlets understand Jesus' love, we're all good! And, for that to happen, this mom needs to get a good grasp of it herself!
Still praying. Still discontent. But, God understands.
Pics tonight.
I need to enjoy the work.
My kids need to have as much of my time as possible.
A desireable school district needs to be close to my job to allow for as little daycare as possible.
Hours need to allow me to have my kids in sports and lessons of some sort to enrich their lives.
And, lastly the pay needs to be right.
This job met 2 of the criteria. I am still praying about it though. I am told that I should feel God loving on me when something right comes my way. I think I'll understand where He leads. I've gone so long making my choices independent of Him, that it's weird to actually stop and think.
Please excuse the nature of this comment, but Zack is the "big" man on campus partially because he is new and partially because he dresses cool (an addiction), but mostly because he can do things physically that kids much bigger than he is cannot do. Even with his height, he has beat some third graders at tether ball. He's feeling good about himself which is nice. However, he is struggling in school. He writes his numbers backwards. He uses all capitals. He cannot read the little books they send home well. But, he can read one syllable words. It will prove to be a long summer of tutoring to get him ready for first grade! His teacher did, however, say he is bright and catches on quickly.
Sophia had her Clancy testing today. For $45.00, they tested her in various areas after which they will provide me with a report and activities to do with her to improve on any weak areas. I checked with her teacher this morning to see if she is having any behavior trouble in class, and she said, "not at all". The teacher (who has taught preschool for about 15 years) said the tantrums I have seen at home are common with a huge change in life such as going from being with me all day to school and then on some nights a sitter. So, I'm told she needs more of me. OMW - How much more can she get? :) Anyhow, some cuddling and holding are in store. We'll see how much more cuddling it will take! I think she'd rather play soccer at the park or ride her scooter so we'll start there! This in addition to her new sticker chart should do the trick.
Some of you know that Sophia was getting a little bit of a lazy eye. Surprisingly, playing the Gameboy has helped as she uses more rapid eye movement. She and Zack play the DS's for about 30 minutes a day and then Zack gets bit of time on his XBox 360 after his responsibilities are handled. Seems like I have two video game junkies! I'll have to help them to learn to prioritize just to ensure that they keep games in their rightful place. I think Zack's wife might be thankful for that. Everything in moderation is key, and I'm working on giving them more decisions day by day. This is something that I need to do better. I tend , to go overboard wanting the kidlets to have the most functional childhood possible, but I'm realizing that functional should include them doing a lot of choosing. So, I asked Zack, "How do you want your hair"? He responds very quickly, "I want a mohawk, and a motorcycle, and a tattoo"!!! YIKES! The old me cringes. The new me thinks there could be worse things to have to worry about than my son becoming a tough biker dude with a mohawk and a tatt that might say, "Mom". As long as the kidlets understand Jesus' love, we're all good! And, for that to happen, this mom needs to get a good grasp of it herself!
Still praying. Still discontent. But, God understands.
Pics tonight.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Hi Ho Hi Ho
It's off to work I go. Well, there are only 7 more weeks of school so this assignment will pass by very quickly! Yesterday as I was teaching, I realized that maybe working in the business world is not such a bad thing! The second grade teacher left sick and asked me to watch her class as well as my own. OMW - they were horrible! There was a time when I could handle 500 kids with no problem, but yesterday 42 were too much for me! I had an out of body experience!
Zack actually enjoyed school yesterday and admitted that he likes Mrs. Wayland! This is a great step in the right direction. She was surprised that he only learned his capital letters! It is so far into the year that he should have been taught to use both capitals and lower case; however, she said he is very bright and picks up on things quickly. This is what I expected to hear from his last teacher but never did. She only told me that he wants to hear that he has done a good job too much! So his little world is coming together.
Sophia got to pick something from the treasure box yesterday. She wanted a few of you to know, but I wasn't able to have her call. She has been waiting since March 17th to dig into that box. She had to earn 10 stickers to do so, and she was beyond jazzed. When I picked her up from school, she was in a room all alone with a little boy. I peeked in, and they both jumped. I was like, "OMW"! I asked her what they were doing, and she said she wouldn't tell me. Finally she told me he asked her to marry him! I guess I got a little overprotective because I talked to the teacher about not wanting her alone with the little boy. Something just didn't feel right, and I think it's better to go with my intuition on this one. So I risked being "THAT MOTHER"!
After school, we did our Gatorade run and hit the park for some play time with the friends we've made there. Each day the kids are invited to go to someone's house, and each day, they're bummed that they can't. The park will have to do for now! I enjoy pushing them on the swings kicking the ball around and seeing them enjoying life. It's good for them to see me happy too! So right now, the park is our elixir and in many ways my escape of reality.
I had an awesome dream last night. I had been having recurring dreams for a few months about what has transpired over the past month so I'm hoping that just maybe my good dream is a good sign. I don't know, but it is worth a tiny bit of hope!
I've been melancholy lately, but I'll admit that it is me struggling with what "The Shack" would call The Great Sadness. At some point, I'll stop carrying it around and give it to God who is much more able to carry it than I am. For now, I continue to pray my prayers of truth that still sound something like a discontented child.
Next book on my list: Abba's Child by Brendon Manning
And tonight: My Next Class Session
Zack actually enjoyed school yesterday and admitted that he likes Mrs. Wayland! This is a great step in the right direction. She was surprised that he only learned his capital letters! It is so far into the year that he should have been taught to use both capitals and lower case; however, she said he is very bright and picks up on things quickly. This is what I expected to hear from his last teacher but never did. She only told me that he wants to hear that he has done a good job too much! So his little world is coming together.
Sophia got to pick something from the treasure box yesterday. She wanted a few of you to know, but I wasn't able to have her call. She has been waiting since March 17th to dig into that box. She had to earn 10 stickers to do so, and she was beyond jazzed. When I picked her up from school, she was in a room all alone with a little boy. I peeked in, and they both jumped. I was like, "OMW"! I asked her what they were doing, and she said she wouldn't tell me. Finally she told me he asked her to marry him! I guess I got a little overprotective because I talked to the teacher about not wanting her alone with the little boy. Something just didn't feel right, and I think it's better to go with my intuition on this one. So I risked being "THAT MOTHER"!
After school, we did our Gatorade run and hit the park for some play time with the friends we've made there. Each day the kids are invited to go to someone's house, and each day, they're bummed that they can't. The park will have to do for now! I enjoy pushing them on the swings kicking the ball around and seeing them enjoying life. It's good for them to see me happy too! So right now, the park is our elixir and in many ways my escape of reality.
I had an awesome dream last night. I had been having recurring dreams for a few months about what has transpired over the past month so I'm hoping that just maybe my good dream is a good sign. I don't know, but it is worth a tiny bit of hope!
I've been melancholy lately, but I'll admit that it is me struggling with what "The Shack" would call The Great Sadness. At some point, I'll stop carrying it around and give it to God who is much more able to carry it than I am. For now, I continue to pray my prayers of truth that still sound something like a discontented child.
Next book on my list: Abba's Child by Brendon Manning
And tonight: My Next Class Session
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Planets Aligning
Zack had computers this morning so he is jazzed to be at school for a time! It is nice getting to go out and watch him swinging on the monkey bars although most of the stuff he wants to do is against the rules and deemed dangerous! If you know him, you understand! Life is all about choices though so when at the park, I tend to let him choose the level of risk he takes. He's yet to do anything too risky. The choice he makes that I'll never understand is wearing his warm jacket in 90 degree weather! But, I leave that to him.
Sophia is in story time right below my classroom. So far, her behavior has been excellent at school. Last night while being babysat; however, she had a melt down in the biggest way. I was shocked at what I heard had transpired, but I dealt with it and loved on her giving her the love and security she needs hopefully without providing negative reinforcement. That little girl is an angel, but I fear jr high years are gonna be crazy! Although, I've heard it said that if your jr higher doesn't hate you at some point, you're doing something wrong in the area of training. We shall see. I'd like the kids to love me all of the time, but I guess I'll be prepared to weather any storms that come our way! Last night, I was happy that tight hugs and cuddling helped "fix" things.
Today, the Lord is loving on us with a sun shiny day and each other to love. He also is loving on us with warms beds to sleep in and yummy food to eat. The kids are especially thankful for the bananas and the pepperoni as of late!!!
We're back to living a pretty structured life, and the kids feel more and more secure as they know what to expect each day. Seems boring for the grown up and maybe stifling to some, but kids need it in a big way. I'm working on balancing that out with lots of physical play as in soccer at the park, feeding the ducks, and pushing them on the swings. Finding balance in life is sometimes tough, but change is always good.
More pics later.
Sophia is in story time right below my classroom. So far, her behavior has been excellent at school. Last night while being babysat; however, she had a melt down in the biggest way. I was shocked at what I heard had transpired, but I dealt with it and loved on her giving her the love and security she needs hopefully without providing negative reinforcement. That little girl is an angel, but I fear jr high years are gonna be crazy! Although, I've heard it said that if your jr higher doesn't hate you at some point, you're doing something wrong in the area of training. We shall see. I'd like the kids to love me all of the time, but I guess I'll be prepared to weather any storms that come our way! Last night, I was happy that tight hugs and cuddling helped "fix" things.
Today, the Lord is loving on us with a sun shiny day and each other to love. He also is loving on us with warms beds to sleep in and yummy food to eat. The kids are especially thankful for the bananas and the pepperoni as of late!!!
We're back to living a pretty structured life, and the kids feel more and more secure as they know what to expect each day. Seems boring for the grown up and maybe stifling to some, but kids need it in a big way. I'm working on balancing that out with lots of physical play as in soccer at the park, feeding the ducks, and pushing them on the swings. Finding balance in life is sometimes tough, but change is always good.
More pics later.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Update and Pics for those Asking
Today was Zack's first day at his new school. He wasn't too thrilled. His words were, "It is so boring." "I would rather stay home and play video games all day"! We'll see if his mind changes because he really does have an awesome teacher now!
After school, we had some fun at the park. I pushed them on the swings and played Auntie G's role letting them kick me and pretending to fall over. They giggled for so long! I tired quickly, but we were making good memories.
Here's the boy having some fun at the park where they played for two hours straight having the best time ever! It did my heart some good. That is for certain! This is Zack's pre tan stage!
The crazy girl! She was concentrating on moving her feet up and then down!
Here she's having some fun with all of Megan's toys! She feels like she's having the neverending slumber party!
The BEST mom and grandma a kid could ever have!!!! I love you mom! I couldn't imagine life without you in it!
I was at a church on Saturday that was refreshing. As I walked in the door, I saw these words painted largely on the wall: PERFECT PEOPLE NOT WELCOME
What a breath of fresh air it was to be in a room full of people who felt no need to wear masks and were not compelled to be hypocrites to hide who they really are.
Thanks for the comments even those that I have not publicly posted. I am in a valley in life, but God continues to show me little blessings here and there. I am amazed at how much He loves His children even when we seek independence from Him.
Thanks for the comments even those that I have not publicly posted. I am in a valley in life, but God continues to show me little blessings here and there. I am amazed at how much He loves His children even when we seek independence from Him.
I highly recommend, "The Shack"! My entire perspective of God completely changed. I have never thought about God in such an incredibly loving way nor have I fully comprehended free will.
Anyhow, I'm counting on the fact that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. Even on the days that I feel like I just can't take the pain anymore, God comes swooping down with a tiny romantic moment or a passage that sooths my soul. It is nice to finally be in prayer even if it is just me telling God what I want in life. What an awesome thought that I can speak to Him just like my children do me. "But mom...." I hear myself, "But God..."
It he really saves tears in a bottle, mine is a keg! LOL
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Today
Well, today we're down at the church helping prepare for the memorial service of a man who threw himself in front of a train. It is such a sad situation, and yet, I can't help but feel that I did the same thing. A little piece of me has died. I wonder if it will ever awaken.
I'm not so good at compartmentalizing or wearing several masks to save face. I tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve or at the very least all over my face and especially in my heart. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. All I know is how I feel right now. Feelings are scary unchecked so I must stop writing now.
I'm not so good at compartmentalizing or wearing several masks to save face. I tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve or at the very least all over my face and especially in my heart. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. All I know is how I feel right now. Feelings are scary unchecked so I must stop writing now.
Friday, April 11, 2008
The Shack
It's a new book I just read, and it was amazing. It is tough to explain but suffice it to say that it describes God like I have never heard him described before. It may sound sacreligious, but the Father is protrayed as a large black woman, Jesus is portrayed as a handyman, and the Holy Spirit is portrayed by a Japanese woman named "wind".
This book is a novel that seeks to go beyond the stereotypical views of who God is. I was told by a friend that if I REALLY knew God, I'd be running to him full force ahead rather than holding back with even an ounce of my being. At first, I was a bit cynical (surprised?) about this whole thought process, but when another friend suggested I read this book to find out who God really is, I figured there must be something to it.
I read the book in one sitting and was amazed at how God was portrayed. The other aspect that was beyond intriguing is how the Trinity is in relathionship with itself as in how God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit interact. I had never thought about that before reading the book. It is amazing to read how we should be in relationship with others based upon the trinity. Humbling...
I've also been reading Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore. I have read it four times to be exact. Funny thing is that each time I read it, I pick up something new, but I've yet to be able to follow the steps she lays out - cry out, confess, and consent. Hmmmm....Not sure I'm ready for that.
Another awesome book is Reframe Your Life - Turning Life's Pain into Purpose. This book is more self-help in nature and really aims at changing the way a person thinks about the pain he/she suffer. It is biblical in nature, but I'd say it is really more psychological. Finding a balance between the two is good which brings me to the last book I've read three times:
Breaking Free of Codependence (not condepents but codependence!). This book lays out the traits of codpendents very clearly. It exposed to me that I have shown many of the traits in the past couple of years. It is not fun to realize that you're screwed up in one area or another, but the awesome thing is that things don't have to stay that way!!! There is always room for change and for growth towards new experiences in life! Self awareness is step number one! What is tough to balance is a Christ centered view of looking out for oneself first and foremost with the biblical principles about putting others' needs before your own. This will take some more study on my part. One book just won't do.
The next book on my list is Captivating. It is more about God's desire to provide women with all the romance we want and need. Sounds a little out there, but it comes at the recommendation of someone whose life it has changed.
I have read more in the past three weeks than I have in the past five years. I find great comfort in reading materials that help me to change the way I think! Life deals us some sucky decks of cards sometimes, and usually I'd say it is because we never should have been at the table. This time I'm not sure why life turned upside down. All I know is that the Lord is exposing me to new things, and He has never failed me up until now. This little cynical Baptist girl has some serious learning to do, but really what I need to do is simply rest in Him. He has it all under control, and His control is far better than mine. Giving Him His rightful place always pays off in the long run. I have a feeling my plans were far inferior to what He has in store for this little family.
Right now my mind knows where it should be headed but my heart is lagging behind. I'm not really sure there's any good reason for my heart to be faltering, but you know I just have to keep focusing on Truth. Right now that's happening through good books and great God-loving friends. Perhaps one day, I'll be the God-loving person I need to be too. Right now, I'm not feelin' it. And, as I've been told, prayer can be just that - honesty about feelings. "God, I'm not feeling it." "I want my way because I can't see Yours." "How could you let this happen"? "Why"? "I'm tired of feeling." He already knows all of this crud, and as ashamed as I am, I'm told to tell him this out loud! So, FINALLY, I did. "God, I don't trust you"!
And, as I type, He speaks back to me words of love and understanding...though I deserve no such thing.
This book is a novel that seeks to go beyond the stereotypical views of who God is. I was told by a friend that if I REALLY knew God, I'd be running to him full force ahead rather than holding back with even an ounce of my being. At first, I was a bit cynical (surprised?) about this whole thought process, but when another friend suggested I read this book to find out who God really is, I figured there must be something to it.
I read the book in one sitting and was amazed at how God was portrayed. The other aspect that was beyond intriguing is how the Trinity is in relathionship with itself as in how God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit interact. I had never thought about that before reading the book. It is amazing to read how we should be in relationship with others based upon the trinity. Humbling...
I've also been reading Get Out of that Pit by Beth Moore. I have read it four times to be exact. Funny thing is that each time I read it, I pick up something new, but I've yet to be able to follow the steps she lays out - cry out, confess, and consent. Hmmmm....Not sure I'm ready for that.
Another awesome book is Reframe Your Life - Turning Life's Pain into Purpose. This book is more self-help in nature and really aims at changing the way a person thinks about the pain he/she suffer. It is biblical in nature, but I'd say it is really more psychological. Finding a balance between the two is good which brings me to the last book I've read three times:
Breaking Free of Codependence (not condepents but codependence!). This book lays out the traits of codpendents very clearly. It exposed to me that I have shown many of the traits in the past couple of years. It is not fun to realize that you're screwed up in one area or another, but the awesome thing is that things don't have to stay that way!!! There is always room for change and for growth towards new experiences in life! Self awareness is step number one! What is tough to balance is a Christ centered view of looking out for oneself first and foremost with the biblical principles about putting others' needs before your own. This will take some more study on my part. One book just won't do.
The next book on my list is Captivating. It is more about God's desire to provide women with all the romance we want and need. Sounds a little out there, but it comes at the recommendation of someone whose life it has changed.
I have read more in the past three weeks than I have in the past five years. I find great comfort in reading materials that help me to change the way I think! Life deals us some sucky decks of cards sometimes, and usually I'd say it is because we never should have been at the table. This time I'm not sure why life turned upside down. All I know is that the Lord is exposing me to new things, and He has never failed me up until now. This little cynical Baptist girl has some serious learning to do, but really what I need to do is simply rest in Him. He has it all under control, and His control is far better than mine. Giving Him His rightful place always pays off in the long run. I have a feeling my plans were far inferior to what He has in store for this little family.
Right now my mind knows where it should be headed but my heart is lagging behind. I'm not really sure there's any good reason for my heart to be faltering, but you know I just have to keep focusing on Truth. Right now that's happening through good books and great God-loving friends. Perhaps one day, I'll be the God-loving person I need to be too. Right now, I'm not feelin' it. And, as I've been told, prayer can be just that - honesty about feelings. "God, I'm not feeling it." "I want my way because I can't see Yours." "How could you let this happen"? "Why"? "I'm tired of feeling." He already knows all of this crud, and as ashamed as I am, I'm told to tell him this out loud! So, FINALLY, I did. "God, I don't trust you"!
And, as I type, He speaks back to me words of love and understanding...though I deserve no such thing.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
School and More
School has been interesting! I have only 11 students, but eight of them are boys so that makes life more fun! This week has been SAT week so it has been fairly quiet and tiring for them! The kids are in third grade so right in the middle of being little and big. I haven't taught third grade before so this is all NEW to me!!!!
Sophia is LOVING preschool and learning a lot about the Bible which is cool. Zack has yet to begin at the school as I did not want him taking SATs so he will begin on Monday. I think he'll like it as the kindergarten teacher is excellent! She is the teacher I wish he'd had all year!
Saturday, Sophia and I got to spend some fun time with Auntie Amy who has the coolest kid movies! She also loves to play with stuffed puppies! Amy's mom gave her the cutest coin purse which she filled with pennies to be thrown into the fountain!
Zack had an awesome birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese where he played until he dropped! He got a ton of video games for his DS and Xbox 360 so he was jazzed. If he could, he'd play video games ALL DAY LONG!!!! But, that just isn't gonna happen!
Mom moves to Texas on the 19th, but she'll be going back and forth with the seasons! We here in CA are happy to hear that. She really is the greatest grandma alive! My kids are SO FORTUNATE to have her in their lives!!!! She really does love on the kids and reach them on their level which is so cool! Zack and Sophia will visit her many times over in Texas especially during the summers! I really am fortunate to have a family who will rally around the kids like they do. Life would be way too easy if I moved back to Texas, but that's just not gonna happen!
I have a feeling that God has something really awesome around the corner here in CA for us! He sure has gone to great lengths to get my attention.
Sophia is LOVING preschool and learning a lot about the Bible which is cool. Zack has yet to begin at the school as I did not want him taking SATs so he will begin on Monday. I think he'll like it as the kindergarten teacher is excellent! She is the teacher I wish he'd had all year!
Saturday, Sophia and I got to spend some fun time with Auntie Amy who has the coolest kid movies! She also loves to play with stuffed puppies! Amy's mom gave her the cutest coin purse which she filled with pennies to be thrown into the fountain!
Zack had an awesome birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese where he played until he dropped! He got a ton of video games for his DS and Xbox 360 so he was jazzed. If he could, he'd play video games ALL DAY LONG!!!! But, that just isn't gonna happen!
Mom moves to Texas on the 19th, but she'll be going back and forth with the seasons! We here in CA are happy to hear that. She really is the greatest grandma alive! My kids are SO FORTUNATE to have her in their lives!!!! She really does love on the kids and reach them on their level which is so cool! Zack and Sophia will visit her many times over in Texas especially during the summers! I really am fortunate to have a family who will rally around the kids like they do. Life would be way too easy if I moved back to Texas, but that's just not gonna happen!
I have a feeling that God has something really awesome around the corner here in CA for us! He sure has gone to great lengths to get my attention.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Time Flies
RUSSIA APRIL, 2007
Tomorrow is "Gotcha Day"!!!! One year ago, Gina and I brought home Zack Alexander and Sophia Joy!!! I remember it like it was yesterday. There was the long flight, and Zack's first time flipping Gina off when she reprimanded him for continually turning on the flight attendant light! He was so angry at her and flip, he gave her the finger! We were both shocked!
Zack was so enthralled with the flight. We thought he'd look out the window forever! Slowly but surely he and Sophia fell fast asleep and slept nearly the whole flight. When we arrived at LAX, we were greeted by the entire family who stood waiting in the wings! Zack went immediately to Michael and climbe up on his shoulders. Sophia, I believe ended up with Stepha. WELCOME HOME!!!! It was such an aweseome day! In the car, Ken and Josh were amazed to hear the Russian language, and Zack and Sophia were enthralled with the "English" cartoon, Chicken Little.
After that, we went to my dad's favorite Mexican restaurant when Zack and Sophia first tasted refried beans! They weren't too sure about the beans, but the kids fit right into the family from day one!
This year has brought lots of changes our way. Most of them totally unexpected but in each case, God has shown Himself faithful to our little family. We are eager to see what unfolds this year as we begin year two in America!
Sorry no recent pictures. My camera (believe it or not) is not where I can get to it! This is a bummer since I should be taking a ton of pictures of the kids daily like I used to. I'll get back to it, and soon my camera will hang around my neck everywhere I go. I think this will especially be true once Zack starts playing baseball and soccer. He's six now so I think he's ready to hit some balls. We'll see what he likes best!
I think I'll put Sophia in soccer, but hold off on t-ball. She seems to be pretty good at kicking and controlling ball, but we shall see.
Anyhow, I hope to get to my camera this weekend at which point, I'll snap some shots of the kidlets! I said the other day that they are the most important part of my life, and I stood corrected. I was taken back when I was told that my relationship with Christ should be first. I thought I was here to protect and provide, but I guess I'm here to purposefully prosper so that my kids will in turn do the same. I'm still thinking on this point. I'm not sure I'm feelin' it just yet.
I just know I want them to know Him and to have a meaningful relationship with Him. I'm not sure they'll experience true joy otherwise, and I want the grandkids to be brought up in church too. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACK!!!!
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One year ago almost to the day, and now! Too much handsome...!!!!
Happy Birthday Zack Alexander Rivera!!!!! I love you SO MUCH, and I am so proud that you are six and have grown 3 inches this year!!!!
Stay tuned for birthday party plans!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
April is Here
As spoken by Sophia to a friend's boyfriend, "I'm gonna snag you"!
Mom: "How was your day Sophia"?
Sophia: "Not very good at all."
Mom: "Really"?
Sophia: "Yes, that boy pushed me, and I cried"!
Mom: "Should I beat him up"?
Sophia: "Mom, you will have to pull a card!"
As spoken by Zack, "My mom said I can kick you"! (I don't recall this instruction.)
As spoken by mom, "Are you still talking"????
Mom: Some of the best lessons learned in life are by mistake.
Mom: "How was your day Sophia"?
Sophia: "Not very good at all."
Mom: "Really"?
Sophia: "Yes, that boy pushed me, and I cried"!
Mom: "Should I beat him up"?
Sophia: "Mom, you will have to pull a card!"
As spoken by Zack, "My mom said I can kick you"! (I don't recall this instruction.)
As spoken by mom, "Are you still talking"????
Mom: Some of the best lessons learned in life are by mistake.
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