Goodbye Dad...Goodbye Grandpa...

I regret to inform my readers that my dad died today. It came as a huge blow to the gut. He has been sick off and on for some time, but I never expected him to die. Mom called, and I could tell by her hello that he was gone. And, I hate the permanence of it all.

I keep replaying the memories in my mind. And the more I replay the memories, the more I cry. My dad was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. He had his hangups for sure. He could have hugged us more, bounced us on his knee, told us he loved us regularly... But, I do believe with all my heart that he loved all eight of us as much as he could.

I also know that he loved my mom. It wasn't necessarily the way she needed to be loved, but he loved her none the less. My parents were married for 45 years. They got married when my mom was 15 and my dad was 18. They split up on Christmas Eve about seven years ago. They've been officially divorced for about three years. Mom gave him her youth and could give no more. She, being a devout Christ follower, made a tough decision, but I firmly believe it was the right one.

Ever since the break up, dad begged for mom to take him back. He just had a couple of hang ups that he wasn't willing to deal with in order to find health. Through it all, mom never turned her back on him. He was in and out of the hospital for various ailments, and mom was always there making sure the doc was taking good care of him. Dad was morbidly shy so she knew he needed a voice. Of course, those of you who knew him, also know he could be quite a pill when upset.

Mom stayed strong and never gave up on him. She was strong for all of us. The details of their relationship aren't mine to disclose, but since I am their kid, it is fair to say that I love them both equally despite any shortcomings on either side.

My memories of him are plenty. I think I got the best of him. My siblings are 48, 46, 34, 24, 23, 20, and 18. I am 37. When my oldest brothers were young, my dad was a kid trying to find himself. And, when my younger siblings were young, he was getting old and cranky. But, when I was young, let me tell you what I remember:

I remember that he'd wake me up in the morning in the most irritating way - sticking his finger in my ear. He knew it was the only way I'd budge.

He would pick me up from school each and every day. He'd say some poem about his little monkey (me), and then he'd ask me what I'd learned that day. I'd say nothing much, and he'd say, wow, your mom is wasting her money on this private school!!! :) I'd smile.

He'd show up at home with random gifts - candy, clothes, shoes... One time he brought me a slip to wear under my skirts!!!! I already had one, but he said he saw it on sale and thought I'd like it. Sounds strange, I know, but he was thoughtful.

He'd take my sister and me to Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, the IceCapades, and the circus every single year multiple times. He also took me to ride ponies often.

After his first heart attack 25+ years ago, he began taking us on long Saturday walks all the way to the donut shop!!!! (he always said don't tell your mom or your donuts will end)

When mom got too tough, he'd step in for me. Like when she demanded I never listen to secular music. He came in my room turned it on and turned it up and told her to let me grow up. (i can remember feeling bad for mom and turning it back down) I wonder if he knew he was taking the fun out of my "rebelling"!!!! :)

Every night after he finished eating the wonderful meal I had cooked, he'd ask me to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

He always came through on Christmas day! We always had bikes, dolls, toys gallore... HE LOVED TO GIVE!!!

In the 8 months my kids have been home, my dad had given them dozens of gifts. Each one was well thought out, and Zack and Sophia can tell you what came from grandpa.

He sent me $10 once through my mom, and told her to tell me to enjoy a good lunch. This was just about a year ago!

My dad was Mexican and spoke Spanish fluently but refused to speak it in front of us!!!!

My dad did a lot of good in his life. I have to be honest with my readers though, he died a very lonely death. He literally starved to death. He had eight children all of whom struggled to get past the wall he kept up. It was only in the past couple of years that dad would say to us that he loved us. He'd generally follow this up with, "Please ask your mom to take me back".

It had been years, and he still had never moved on. He hadn't dealt with his issues nor had he been strong enough to simply move on to someone with less integrity than my mom. It was very hard to be around him. It was tough to talk to him because in us he saw a way to my mom's heart. He'd spend the bulk of our visits talking about her and expressing his great need for her in his life. It was PAINFUL to hear it. It was even more PAINFUL to see him giving up on life. We all could see him dying of a broken heart, and we each struggled with it in our own way. We NEVER, however, thought it wise for my mom to take him back into her home. Hear me when I say, though, that he was not an ogre. He was not evil. He just had a couple of serious hangups that were negatively impacting my mom and the kids still left at home.

I miss him so much!!! I was going to call him this afternoon to tell him I love him. I was too late. I trust he knew I loved him. I just wanted to tell him one more time.

Mom was at his apartment today because his nurses were there to bathe him and get him clean sheets, etc... He had recently taken a turn for the worse. Mom always made sure she was there for those times. His blood pressure was low. His heart beat was slow. He hadn't eaten for a month or more. He opened his eyes and looked my mom straight in her eyes. She looked back as if to say, "I'm sorry for your pain." Him saying clearly in a look that he loved her deeply and as best he could. She turned to talk to the nurse, and when they turned back he had passed into the arms of Jesus. Just like that BOOM gone.

Dad's death certificate will state that he died of natural causes. I will always know that he died of a broken heart. So now, I mourn. I mourn the loss of my father - the one I knew and loved. And, I mourn the loss of a dream - the dream that at some point he'd get his stuff together and find joy.

I believe that my dad had accepted Christ and is in heaven right now. I find peace in knowing that he is with Jesus now. His issues are no more. His broken heart is mended. His pain is gone.

Dad, I was gonna call. I was gonna say, "I love you" one more time. Thanks for the memories. Thanks for giving me life. Thanks for loving as best you could. May you rest in peace.

Please pray for my family during this time.

Zack: Mom, grandpa is alive in heaven.
Mom: Yes, baby, he is.
Zack: Remember mom, God has super powers, and he could make grandpa alive up there.

Sophia: Mom, grandpa will wake up with Jesus.

Dad LOVED my kids. He talked about his Russian grandbabies incessantly. Anyone who dealt with him knew Zack and Sophia by name. Thanks dad for all that bragging on your grandbabies. I will keep your memory alive.

Thanks to all who have called and/or text messaged me. It means a lot. In order to find some sort of closure, there will be a viewing next Monday. He will be cremated and buried with my grandpa.

Dad had a great sense of humor so you can be sure that through the tears, his kids are finding reason to laugh. And, the Bible is right, it is a good medicine.

Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers. I can't even begin to imagine the pain she feels as she mourns such a great loss. I love you mom!!!! I love you so much more than you could ever know!