A Yellow Star and So Easy to Forget

Today was a yellow star day at our house. You see the chart goes something like this:

Pink Star - Excellent Day!
Green Star - Good Day
Yellow Star - A Day in Need of Improvement
Black Star - A Very Bad Day

This is the Kindergarten chart not our house chart. Fortunately, we don't have a chart such as this at home! When I picked up Zack and Josh, Zack immediately said, "Mom, I got a yellow star." His eyes watered up.

Me: "What happened"?
Zack: "I was swinging my lunch box, and I breaked the wall."
Me: "You did"? (as I looked at him in the rear view mirror)
Zack: "Yes."
Zack: "Ms Brown said, 'I love you Zack.'"
Zack: "I cried, and tell Ms Brown I love you."
Me: "It's okay to cry Zack."
Me: "I'll check your folder at home, and we'll talk about it, okay"?
Zack: "Okay, mom"
Zack: "Can we watch a movie in the car"?

Meanwhile, I am thinking "How the heck does a kid break a wall with his lunchpail"?????? Well, when I got home I figured out from Ms Brown's note that he swung his lunch box and ripped the paper on the bulletin board on the wall. Of course, my next thought was that is was an accident so what is the big flipping deal? However, I talked with Zack as a responsible parent should.

I asked him how he is supposed to carry his lunch box. He said behind his back or at his side. So I told him that it wouldn't have happened if he obeyed. I also told him it was okay and that the bulletin board can be fixed. I told him that Ms Brown is helping him to learn to follow the rules.

I am a firm believer in teaching kids to RESPECT adults. I do not want my kids having authority issues when they are grown, nor do I want them acting as though they are equal with adults. For this reason, I keep my opinions to myself often. It just would not be good for Zack to hear what I will tell you next:

Zack's teacher is a nice lady, but she is not my mom. Let me explain. My mom is the most engaging loving teacher that has ever walked the face of this earth - okay maybe in all of Long Beach, CA. She LOVES the kids with all of her heart, and she can read their emotions very well. Kids ADORE her and even keep in touch with her though adulthood in many cases. Well, Zack's teacher is not a bad teacher nor would I say she is "out to lunch," but I will say that she does not understand Zack nor does she have any experience working with ESL or kids who have come from an orphanage.

The situation with Zack today was crushing for him. It was not like it would have been for an average American born little boy. His action was innocent and the consequence was harsh for him. It would have been better if she had him help her fix it. You may think I am giving Zack too much credit but listen to the rest of his afternoon conversation with me which took place much later than our first conversation:

Zack: "Mom, I am too little to fix the wall."
Zack: "When I am big, I will fix it." (He began to cry again.)
Mom: "Zack, it is okay to cry, but you don't need to fix it."
Mom: "Ms Brown will fix it."
Zack: "I am sorry mom."
Zack: "I will fix it when I am big." (Still with tears.)
Mom: "Oh, Zack, we can make our own wall at home to practice."
Mom: "Oh, honey, it's okay to be sad."
Zack: "I don't want to cry." (He puts his hands over his eyes.)
Zack: "I am not crying."
Mom: "Oh you are silly."
Mom: You are crying, and it is okay."
Mom: "Mom cries too."
Zack: "YOU DO"?????
Mom: "Yep, when I am sad or hurt."
Zack: "Seriously"? (This is his new word!)

With this he wiped his eyes and went back to the movie in the car. My heart was so sad for him. He sincerely wants to fix what he "ruined".

About 20 minutes later:

Zack: "Mom, when I get big I am going to make you a big house."
Mom: "Really"?
Zack: "Yes, I will build it with my hands."
Zack: "I will make you a princess room; Josh a Star Wars room; Mike a Wolverine room; Sophia a Dora room; Kenny a Hulk room; Stepha a strawberry room; and me a Spiderman room."
Zack: "I will do it when I am big." "I take care of you."
Mom: "You will be a good builder so strong and kind."
Zack: "When I am big, I will do it."
Zack: "I love you, mom."
Mom: "I love you all the way to the moon."

With that he went back to his movie. I wish you could have seen his face! He said all of this with such sincerity. What an incredible little person he is.

This email is likely to beg questions from some of you so ask away. Zack's teacher does know he is adopted from Russia and here six months. I have met with her in person regarding his academic progress and spoke to her briefly about his arrival home. I knew when she acted surprised at my statement that he had a very tough first few years, that she does not fully understand how Russian orphanages are or where he has come from. He is just so darn cute and looks like any other American kid. And, he even speaks 100% English. (Of course, I am doing what I can at home to keep the Russian alive.)

I am not one of those moms who thinks my kids can do no wrong, but it is obvious to me from what I have shared with you that in this case, Zack needed to be corrected in a more productive manner.

He did ask me, "Mom you're not mean"? I didn't understand at first, but soon realized that he meant, "Mom, you're not mad"? I said, "No, Zack because everyone makes mistakes, but you do need to hold your lunch pail by your side tomorrow, okay"? He said, "Yes, mom."

I have shared a little piece of some of the differences in parenting kids who have been institutionalized for long periods of time. I think most kids would come home and say, "It was an accident, and she got mad, but I didn't mean it." It is not that Zack is an over sensitive kid. He is not. His makeup is easy going yet tough, but definitely not oversensitive by nature.

It is so easy to forget who this little guy was six months ago. So, I must realize that when people look at him now not knowing him on that cold December day when I first met him, they are not going to understand what is happening inside of his little heart and mind.

I thank God for sending both Zack and Sophia to me. I praise him for the endless supply of wisdom He promises to His children who are faithful to ask for it. And, I praise him for giving each and every one of us a hope that passes all understanding.